Hey, this is Rita, here via your recent Twitter link! I read this way back in the day, but I hope it's okay if I finally post a comment.
Thank you for sharing. <3 This is extremely moving, and presents the experience unadorned, exactly as it is -- something I didn't fully grasp and appreciate when we were younger, but do now that I'm also losing my grandmother (to dementia). She lived with us and raised me when I was a kid, and ... I don't know if it's ever really possible to process the grief of losing someone slowly in pieces over the years, like you describe here. It simply hurts. And the hurt you sustain creates other kinds of grief when the primary grief fades. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through this with your father (instead of at one generational remove; I feel like my mom has borne the brunt of it in my family), plus when you were so much younger.
I think it is amazing and so, so loving that you and your family were able to keep caring for him in the comfort of his home for so long. And I also know that people will say oh, that's so self-sacrificing and wonderful, while completely not understanding the terrible lack of (financial, practical, emotional) support our society has for carers, and how caregiving for a loved one can completely take over your life and personhood. To just keep giving like that, with no respite, and pretending everything's okay. I think you and your mum probably made SO much of a fucking difference for your dad at the end, and made his life good, and made him feel so loved. And of course that's what you just do, for someone you love, you can't imagine doing otherwise! But I also know from watching my own mom that when you give when you have nothing left in the bucket it creates a kind of damage inside you that is really hard to heal. And I hope you have been able to heal a little over the years.
I know you didn't speak too much about it back on LJ, but I always appreciated the bits you shared with us, and I have thought of you & your family often as we went through my grandmother's disease. Thank you again for sharing everything you have. It's meant a lot to me and brought me comfort as my family went through something similar. ♥
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Date: 2024-03-05 07:34 am (UTC)Thank you for sharing. <3 This is extremely moving, and presents the experience unadorned, exactly as it is -- something I didn't fully grasp and appreciate when we were younger, but do now that I'm also losing my grandmother (to dementia). She lived with us and raised me when I was a kid, and ... I don't know if it's ever really possible to process the grief of losing someone slowly in pieces over the years, like you describe here. It simply hurts. And the hurt you sustain creates other kinds of grief when the primary grief fades. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through this with your father (instead of at one generational remove; I feel like my mom has borne the brunt of it in my family), plus when you were so much younger.
I think it is amazing and so, so loving that you and your family were able to keep caring for him in the comfort of his home for so long. And I also know that people will say oh, that's so self-sacrificing and wonderful, while completely not understanding the terrible lack of (financial, practical, emotional) support our society has for carers, and how caregiving for a loved one can completely take over your life and personhood. To just keep giving like that, with no respite, and pretending everything's okay. I think you and your mum probably made SO much of a fucking difference for your dad at the end, and made his life good, and made him feel so loved. And of course that's what you just do, for someone you love, you can't imagine doing otherwise! But I also know from watching my own mom that when you give when you have nothing left in the bucket it creates a kind of damage inside you that is really hard to heal. And I hope you have been able to heal a little over the years.
I know you didn't speak too much about it back on LJ, but I always appreciated the bits you shared with us, and I have thought of you & your family often as we went through my grandmother's disease. Thank you again for sharing everything you have. It's meant a lot to me and brought me comfort as my family went through something similar. ♥